I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
