Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
