just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
