I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
