you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
