Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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