I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
