I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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