Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
