Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
