Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
