well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
zippers are such a cool invention
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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