he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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