I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
