My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
