see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
