my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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