i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
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