i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize