I molested 6 butterflies tonight
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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