five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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