I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
