please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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