Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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