I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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