I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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