my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
