I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
