Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
