so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
