you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize