i love accidental penises.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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