Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
