You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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