Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize