My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
