my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize