Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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