Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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