Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize