Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
