I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
