If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
