I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize