three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize