Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
