I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
