the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
