I'm sorry my penis didn't work
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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