His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
