if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
