Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
