Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
