i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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