About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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