You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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