i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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