Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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