Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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