There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
