it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
