2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
