i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
