my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
