I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
