I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
